Archive for 2017
Colder than a catlicker's nose
Colder than a catlicker’s nose by David Benjamin “We strongly encourage all New Yorkers to stay inside as much as possible… as the cold weather continues. Check on neighbors when you can and bring your pets inside.” — Mayor Bill De Blasio, New York City, temp. 19° F “That’s winter in Wisconsin. It’s nothing really…
Read MoreNew York polite
New York polite by David Benjamin “It is one of the sublime provincialities of New York that its inhabitants lap up trivial gossip about essential nobodies they’ve never set eyes on, while continuing to boast that they could live somewhere for twenty years without so much as exchanging pleasantries with their neighbors across the hall.”…
Read MorePerverted and proud
Perverted and proud by David Benjamin “Thou shalt not diddle thy neighbor’s daughter.” — Eleventh Commandment, Exodus 20; 17.5 (deleted) MADISON, Wis. — The Internet is just brimming over with surprises — like the other day when I tried to access the NAACP, for reaction to the election of Democratic senatorial candidate Doug Jones, a…
Read MoreBarn cats, Botox and fiscal conservatism
Barn cats, Botox and fiscal conservatism by David Benjamin “I think not having the estate tax recognizes the people that are investing. As opposed to those that are just spending every darn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” — Sen. Chuck Grassley Ever since mein Drumpfenfeuhrer started stumping for the…
Read More"No room at the inn"
“No room at the inn” by David Benjamin It was a bitterly cold winter afternoon, in a month that would someday be known as December, in the town of Bethlehem, when the weary newlyweds — a dewy maiden big with child and her grizzled sexagenarian spouse — limped into the little hamlet. The girl was…
Read MoreHello world!
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Read MoreThoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers
Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers by David Benjamin “In retrospect, Sandy Hook marked the end of the U.S. gun control debate. Once America decided killing children was bearable, it was over.” — Dan Hodges PARIS — Eighteen years ago, in the innocent early days of America’s mass-shooting fad, I realized that atrocities like Devin…
Read MoreVacation season
The Packerscreed, by David Benjamin (11/7/17) Vacation season “My life, as I know it, has been taken away from me.” — Nick Buoniconti, brain-damaged former Dolphin linebacker PARIS— Like Bob, in the film What About Bob?, I’m taking a vacation from my worst mental illness — namely, the Green Bay Packers. My vacation officially started…
Read More"… But I know what I like"
“… But I know what I like” by David Benjamin “Mona Lisa looks as though she’s about to be sick.” — Noel Coward PARIS — As I was passing an art gallery yesterday on rue St. André des Arts, a painting caught my eye. It depicts three female figures sculpted in stone against horizontal panels…
Read MoreThe war between Ellen DeGeneres and the Serbian Marines
The war between Ellen DeGeneres and the Serbian Marines by David Benjamin MADISON, Wis. — My latest dispatch from the Right-Wing Chain-Letter Network hails from a high-school classmate whom I’ll call Big Red (not his real name), because he’s innocent and deserves to be protected. Big Red forwarded a neatly formatted photo montage of five…
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