Satire
Originalism ad absurdum
by David Benjamin “Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three…
Read MoreJack Smith throws in the towel
by David Benjamin “I don’t take responsibility at all.” — Trump WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking Friday the 13th bombshell, Jack Smith, a Justice Department special counsel assigned by Attorney General Merrick Garland to hound Donald Trump to his grave, announced that all investigations of the ex-president have been indefinitely suspended. Smith, who brought to his…
Read MoreThe old razzle dazzle
by David Benjamin “‘I think that livestreaming this attack gives me some motivation in the way that I know that some people will be cheering for me,’” ― Payton Gendron MADISON, Wis. — An unencrypted smartphone dialog intercepted by an undisclosed federal agency after white-panic gunman Payton Gendron murdered ten Black Americans at the Tops…
Read MoreMorovia, we hardly knew ye
by David Benjamin MADISON, Wis. — As the Federal Reserve prepares to raise interest rates, after the biggest annual growth spurt since 1984— with an accompanying inflation uptick — there is panic on Wall Street, angst at the Federal Reserve and unrest inside the Beltway. Observing all this tsuris, I’m reminded of an obscure historic…
Read MoreThe Don is dead. Long live — NO! He’s alive, he’s alive!
by David Benjamin “MAR-A-LAGO (25 January 2022) — The sudden, apparent demise of ex-president Donald J. Trump on Monday, when he choked to death spectacularly trying to swallow whole a Burger King Triple Whopper that could not be dislodged from his fat-narrowed windpipe despite the efforts of his daughter Ivanka and four muscular bodyguards simultaneously…
Read More“Dear Twelve…”
by David Benjamin Aaron Rodgers 1265 Lombardi Avenue Green Bay Wisconsin Dear Aaron: You’re an odd duck. I mean that in the most complimentary sense. I’m one, too. Been that way since — best guess — the summer before second grade when I was corrupted by Chucky Dutcher. You’re also a know-it-all. Me, too. Like…
Read MoreBe it ever so humble, there’s no place like Xanadu
by David Benjamin “Kings are like stars. They rise and set, they have the worship of the world, but no repose.”— Percy Bysshe Shelley MADISON, Wis. — Since monarchy fell out of fashion, it’s gotten tougher to be an autocrat. Donald Trump, for example, appeared to be rising unstoppably toward a sort of reich amerikanisch.…
Read MoreAn overdose of Moxie, dear
by David Benjamin “Judge Rayford: Mr. Kirkland you are out of order! “Arthur Kirkland: You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order!…” — And Justice For All (1979) A COURTROOM SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN — The judge pushed aside several empty Chinese food cartons and…
Read MoreGod, Covid and The Former Guy
by David Benjamin “Four more years, because God is the one who is in control of this.” — Kim Carter, anti-democracy protester Jacksonville, October 2020 God is bored. I caught up with Him at a speakeasy on a dark street in South Purgatory. The dive was crawling with venial sinners. The bartender was smoking a…
Read MoreGuns and bigots. Bigots and guns
by David Benjamin “There are tons of guns floating around Georgia, and not much harder to procure than a bowl of goldfish.” — Gail Collins MADISON, Wis. — Ironically, a pathologically horny gunman in Atlanta has pointed a way out of the voting rights crisis that has shaken once reliably Republican strongholds like Georgia, Arizona,…
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